Writing about hard weeks and family time in a foster care letter

Not every week is a good one. Some are hard for the child, some for you, and many are shaped by family time: before it, after it, or because it didn't happen. The letter still matters in those weeks, and it's worth getting right, because the child may read it years from now.

Check with the child's social worker how your service would like you to write about family time and the child's birth family, and how things have been explained to the child, so your letter matches.

Describe, don't label

Words like "naughty", "kicked off", "attention-seeking" or "a meltdown" tell the reader how the adult felt, not what happened. They can stay with a child for a long time.

Instead, describe what you saw and how you helped:

• Rather than "You had a meltdown at the shops", try "At the supermarket on Saturday you got very upset when we couldn't find the cereal you wanted. We sat in the car together until you felt calmer, then went home for toast."
• Rather than "You were naughty at school", try "Mrs Hughes told us Tuesday was a tricky day at school. When you got home we talked about it, and you helped make tea."

Say how you know something ("we saw", "Mrs Hughes told us"), keep it short, and move on to something steady.

End the hard part with something steady

A difficult moment doesn't need to be the end of the paragraph, or the letter. Follow it with how the evening went, something you did together, or something good from later in the week. The child should be able to see that they were looked after, not just that something went wrong.

Family time

If the child sees their family, a few plain words are usually enough:

On Wednesday you had family time with your mum at the family centre. You took the picture you'd drawn of the dog to show her.

Keep it neutral and factual. Don't guess at how family time went if you weren't there, and don't pass on details your service would rather stay in its own records.

If family time was cancelled, say so simply, without blame, and say how you supported the child:

Family time didn't happen this week. You were disappointed, so we went to the park instead and you went down the big slide on your own.

Writing about their family

The child's birth family are part of their story. Even when things are complicated, write about them respectfully. The child may love them, and may one day read every word.

• Use the names the child uses ("Mum", "Nana Sue").
• Don't criticise or speculate.
• If the child asked questions or shared feelings, you can note that they did, gently, without recording everything that was said.

Don't promise what you can't keep

"You'll see Mum again soon" or "You'll be home by Christmas" can hurt badly if they don't come true. Write only about what's planned and certain, and leave the rest to the people making those decisions.

When it feels too much

Some weeks there won't be much to say. A short letter is fine: one steady moment and one thing to look forward to is enough. And if something you've seen worries you, that's for your agency's recording and safeguarding processes, not the letter.

My Chapters: Letters nudges you gently when a label slips into a letter, and offers ideas for describing what happened instead. The first month is free.